it's been a long time

ok, so i've been gone. how many people actually missed me? i'm sure not many of you.

it's been almost one year...holy crap! what's been going on. quite a lot actually...

to start off let's go with soccer.

1.) playing for a dII school isn't all it's cracked up to be. i killed my ankle and that ended my season. 2.) i'm coaching a cup team with a coach that use to coach me...it's a lot of fun. 3.) i moved from the donora organization to rsc; i love the girls but one of the other coaches asked me not to return today (he can't deal with a 20 yr. old female knowing more than him; i'm not trying to sound all big and important that's the actual reason) 4.) we hired a new coach for my university team, i was on the committee...i don't think we got the right guy. 5.)i have been asked to stay on as a staff member of rsc, only on the older teams. 5.) geary & yohe for 2010; if you don't understand it's ok. i can't wait to start the tournament season!!

school is next.

1.) ed dept. is trying to screw the history dept., therefore being an sec. ed-history major is bad. we're caught in the crossfire. 2.) aren't 100 level classes suppose to be easier than 300 and seminar level classes? i guess not. 3.) the men come and go, alcohol is their currency in western pa. that's ok though, i just need to get some currency of my own. 4.) i've been put on 3 committees without my knowledge or permission (core values, athletic advisory, and student athletic advisory; i know the last two can be confusing, but i promise their different). 5.) the smart kids are the ones who turned down the invitation to the university honors program.

family.

1.) my grandfather died in Feb.; now everyone saw this coming except my grandmother who insists that the heart attack in Sept '06 and the steady decline to being totally bedridden aren't linked. 2.) i still can't move out, despite lining up an apartment for under $1500 a semester (the going rate here). 3.) silk flowers are still not premitted within a 500 yard radius of grammy or aunt kaks gravesite, if you put them there i will be forced to hunt you down. 4.) my other grandfather is heart broken, he won't admit it, he misses us being so close. 5.) my brother has change professions he's now a thief.

now, why am i on tonight after such a long time? i can't sleep and i have been surfing the web for about 2 hours. my mind is going a mile a minute, because of today's unfolding events. especially being told that i don't deserve respect because i'm not a coach nor do i know the game...despite playing for 17 years, having an advance regional (currently seeking a national and premier) license, and being payed for my services by organizations because beside collegiate play or us national team, women's cup/select teams are the highest level a female can play at. my mind's still reeling trying understand. the man in-question makes me feel sorry for the sport i love, and i have never said that about anyone that i have come in contact with. i find the closed mindedness of are small valley amazing and regretable, most have never been anywhere to speak of to see all that the world offers (myself included)...but i have traveled and seen small glimpses through soccer of what is out there.

i have been thinking; i think i would like to be an art historian and coach for a living, yes teaching would be nice, however i am not as passionate about that. i would love to do something dealing with film and history, but that will never happen. i'll end up teaching here in the valley, possibly coaching a h.s. team and cup.

i'll drink one of these and maybe it'll knock me on my ass.

gone

so i found someone i believed would stand still with me for half a second. it turns out he couldn't stay here for more than a nano second. so i'm back out looking for someone to have some fun with. i not looking for a husband, just someone that will be here for more than a couple of weeks. i pick the wrong guys and can't break the pattern of picking them. yes, i do things i shouldn't and in the end i say things i shouldn't, but i pick guys that rush in to fast and think their the living end. maybe with some more practice the one will find me and that kick in the head will finally kick me.

so in other news life all around sucks...

I got a weekend alone...Yes, I said alone!!! My parents took my brother and went to our camp site up by Altoona. So what did I do? Of course I drank, not a lot, but just enough. I had friends over. We watched the world cup during the day, and then movies all night. It was great not having then around bitching at me. Not once did I hear "you didn't do this," "why do i even bother with you," or "you do nothing and you don't respect me."

But with all this fun stuff, there has to come some misery right? Of course I knew that he wasn't going to be around this summer, but it doesn't stop me missing him. No, we're not dating...but it turns out I miss the stupid e-mails and conversations we have. The other one is home, but he's found someone else and moved on. I miss having the guy around. I've never had a boyfriend persay...but there's always been a guy in my life that I have fun with and we might as well be dating. It's hard not having him here.

Of course with the lack of him being here comes the day dreams and other stuff. It's like we're married, because I do tell him everything. Now he's not here and all I can do is wait til he gets back.

Now, there's a new guy that wants to come into the picture, but I would rather he stayed out. He acts differently with ever perso he's with, he never can just be straight with me or anyone for that matter. It's best if he just gets over it, because he's not going to have what I have with him or had with the other one.

Maybe I'm nuts, maybe I need to have a real relationship with someone who can be here? I guess it's the time for something to begin, a new chapter of finding someone real.

from the parents

I went to Cinncy this weekend for my coaching job. It was great, I didn't have to deal with my family. The teams went to the finals (we should have won), but I come home on this high...my first tournament that I was coaching at, and right away I'm shot down. My parents inform me that I'm a liar, bitch, jealous brat, and to top things off stupid. I mean, aren't parents suppose to be supportive?

If you think of all the ways I could have turned out, growing up with this. I mean I could be an alcoholic, drug addict, slut/whore, college/high school dropout, or even dead. But, I'm a second year college student who's on the dean' list and the starting sweeper for a divison 2 soccer team. What the hell else can i do, maybe I'll take a turn for the worst.

a long couple of weeks

A lot of movies have been coming and going through my door. I've rented every new release and ever old classic possible. I think my local Hollywood and Blockbuster are tired of seeing me, in fact when I walk in the door they have the computer ready to go. Some I've seen 4-5 times in the past two weeks!!!

I know it sounds like all I''ve done is watch TV and sit on my butt, but I've read every book in my local library as well as my personal one. I'm going to buy more today and tomorrow, I just wish more people would write historical novels. I'm craving more from Mike Shaara...reading "Killer Angels", "Full Measure", "Gods and Generals" so many times isn't enough. Steinbeck is done...King is blah...Albom's "Five People" was great I suggest it to anyone, read it you won't regret it. I read it in under an hour, because it was that good.

If you have any suggestions for any movies or books, PLEASE!!! let me know.

Nails For Breakfast, Tacks For Snacks

'Watch your mouth

Oh, oh, oh

Because your speech is slurred enough

That you just might swallow your tongue

I'm sure you'd want, want to give up the ghost

With just a little more poise than that

Or was it God who chokes

In these situations, running late?

No, no, he called in

Or was it God who chokes

In these situations, running late?

No, no, he called in

The hospice is
A relaxing weekend getaway
Where you're a cut above all the rest
Sick and sad patients
On first name basis with all the top physicians

Prescribed pills

To offset the shakes

To offset the pills

You know you should take

It a day at a time

That's when you stu-stu-stutter something profound

To the support on the line

And with the way you've been talking

Every word gets you a step closer to hell

That's when you stu-stu-stutter something profound
To the support on the line
And with the way you've been talking
Every word gets you a step closer to hell

Prescribed pills

To offset the shakes

To offset the pills

You know you should take

It a day at a time

Prescribed pills

To offset the shakes

To offset the pills

You know you should take

It a day at a time

I am

Alone in this bed, house, and head

And she never fixes this

But at least she...

I am

Alone, in this bedroom

She never fixes this

But at least she...

Prescribed pills

To offset the shakes

To offset the pills

You know you should take

It a day at a time

Prescribed pills

To offset the shakes

To offset the pills

You know you should take

It a day at a time

The hospice is

A relaxing weekend getaway

Where you're a cut above all the rest

Sick and sad patients

On first name basis with all the top physicians'

~ PANIC! At the Disco "Nails For Breakfast, Tacks For Snacks"

Bad Day

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on
You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day(Oh.. Holiday..)
Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong
So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day

~Daniel Powter "Bad Day"